For awhile, I’ve been trying to take more responsibility and be more accountable for the conflict in my marriage. Like most, I believe that I’ve done a disservice to myself and my husband by spending too much time looking past my own flaws and sin and focusing on my perfectly flawed spouse and his own contributions to marital frustration. When I came across this excellent article today, it hit close to home. May we all have the kindness and patience within us to extend this kind of grace to our spouses. Starting today, I am going to dare myself to focus on the good in my husband by trying to look past what he doesn’t do and seeing what he does do for me… without asking… and without my acknowledged appreciation.
Tag Archives: patience
Love is Kind
I’m my post “Patience: My “Short Fuse” Problem” I mentioned that love is a Covenant… not a Contract. When we have a person we are kind too, not out of the expectation of reciprocation, but simply because we vowed to do so we see ourselves distributing genuine kindness. Genuine kindness is not self-serving. We can’t be genuinely kind while we are expecting to get something in return: that’s manipulation. When we shed controlling behaviors like manipulation and journey through life with a pure heart; we are not only giving the world the best versions of ourselves, but we are giving ourselves the best gift we can.
Kindness, like happiness, starts from within. Be kind to yourself. Have you ever heard the saying “What Susie says about Sally says more of Susie than of Sally”? In my own life I’ve found this to be extremely accurate. A little over a year ago I had a very good job; full-time, benefits, good hours & good pay… up until corporate decided to close the entire department. In the months that followed my husband and I left the city for a small rural community in a new state. My husband has an excellent job in the medical field and with little to no work to be found for someone of my own skill-set, we began the long and arduous decision and budget-making process and ended with me being a full-time homemaker. This decision is one of the best decisions we have ever made and has paid off immensely in many regards. Homemaking, not being the option it was a couple of generations ago, was a surprising choice for our families, but most came to accept and embrace our decision easily… with the exception of one cousin. As a young married woman, this cousin spent many years out of work with her two children and a mountain of debt. They struggled for years and nearly lost their home until she found a job in her field which she now commutes to out-of-state. Beginning when she discovered that we had made the decision for me not to return to work outside of the home, she has thrown a near constant stream of harassment and negativity our way whenever she sees us to the point that her 5 and 7-year-old children ask me when I’m going to get a job. In the past she has told us that we couldn’t have a family, that we would never have enough money, and that I will never really be happy being at home. I used to find myself extremely offended by her crass and uninformed statements, until I started to realize that her judgement of me didn’t matter. My husband took the time to reach our decision logically and are very happy with the outcome of our decision… which is what truly matters. When I really thought about it, her judgement didn’t really have anything to do with us at all. Her kindness has been impeded by jealousy. Her situation is such that she misses her children and hates her job. She wants to be at home and can’t, so she has to make anyone who can feel ignorant and irresponsible rather than face the reality of her own life.
How often do you see this in your own life? Maybe there’s a coworker who feels incompetent so he or she degrades your own accomplishments? How about a friend who feels unintelligent, so he or she condescends? Maybe even a spouse who feels inhibited by marriage and forces his or her spouse to feel just as restrained. Misery loves company!!
If you want to change the way you interact with and see the world and others, you have to start on the inside. Nothing and no one in the world will make you happy if you aren’t happy with yourself. Being kind to yourself begins with becoming more self-aware. You need to pay attention to how and why you act and react. I know sometimes it seems selfish to focus on yourself, but spending time getting to know yourself better isn’t selfish because it creates a better environment for those around you! Personally, it’s a lot easier to focus on my husband’s flaws than on my own… especially because I can do it under the guise of making him a better person. Maybe it’s easier to bring down his confidence rather than facing the reasons I lack confidence. When you realize that the only person in the marriage that you can change is yourself, you’ll be ready to slip your work boots on and get your hands dirty making real, positive strides towards improvement in yourself and, subsequently, in your marriage.
Beyond being kind to ourselves… kindness is really very easy:
Be a good listener… even when someone isn’t saying something it doesn’t mean they aren’t communicating. In order to really be present and listen to someone we have to break the habit of thinking about what we want to say while they are speaking… just listen. Understand that a lot of what people say isn’t what they really mean. Everyone is fighting a private battle within themselves and instead of reacting poorly to a negative comment, practice kindness by looking past the comment made by a defensive person striking out and seeking a deeper cause. Once the person realizes they can trust and be vulnerable with you, they will most likely vent and discuss the problem. Occasionally, I find myself on the wrong side of counter facing an outwardly irritated customer service worker and I’ve found if you ask them if they are having a bad day, the floodgates will open, they’ll vent, and they’ll suddenly be a completely different (and much nicer) person. If it’s a friend and they are being outwardly hostile, it’s ok to say “I know you’re worried (etc.) and I’m happy to help and listen, but you need to be nice to me.” I’ve said this before and they probably won’t apologize, but they will change their tune pretty quickly.
Fake it until you make it. Sometimes faking cheerfulness and happiness, will lead to actual happiness and cheerfulness! Studies have shown that simply smiling can change your mood and give you feelings of happiness. If you are happy, chances are you’ll be feeling a lot more kind.
Spend time with kind people. It’s true, you become most like the people you hang out with. If they are negative and unkind… chances are you’ll find yourself becoming increasingly negative and unkind.
Practice Practice Practice! Practice random acts of kindness. Practice being more polite. Practice Smiling. Kindness doesn’t always come naturally. We are born inherently selfish creatures. Babies have to be selfish to survive. That’s why, as we get older, we have to practice traits that do not come instinctively to us.
Be humble. When you do catch yourself being kind let the good feeling wash over you; savor it, relish it and keep it to yourself. Doing something so you can brag about it later isn’t genuine kindness… it’s self-serving.
Whether you believe that true kindness is karmic or the simple passing it forward or repayment of our Lord’s ultimate gift of genuine kindness (the forgiveness of our sins), let kindness soak into everything you do, ditch manipulation and self-loathing, and let it transform your relationships and your life.
What I Learned This Week About Patience
Recently, my husband’s grandfather spent several weeks in the local Burn Unit following a tragic accident on Christmas. He’s since been moved home and I have spent the last couple of days taking care of him and my husband’s grandmother. An extremely active 80-something year-old before the accident, he is really struggling with how much longer daily tasks take and how much harder they’ve become. With weeks of pain and bandage changes ahead of him, his frustration level is high and his patience is wearing thin.
What I found interesting this week is how much I didn’t mind the time it takes to take care of this person… a relative by marriage who I have since adopted as my own. Although I find myself getting aggravated with my husband when things take longer than I think they should and berating him on the importance of time management, I didn’t care about all the extra minutes it takes “my” grandpa to get out of bed, get dressed, go to the bathroom, or simply stand up out of a chair. I know I could expedite the process by simply doing things for him… we’ve all had those moment with our own spouses when we think (or say) “It’s faster and easier if I just do it MYSELF!” So, why do I find myself having the “patience of a saint” with someone who isn’t the person I vowed the best of myself to? I’ve come up with this:
I understand the importance of independence and self-reliance. The only way for “my” grandpa to be strong enough to heal and regain as much of the activity level and lifestyle as possible that he had before the accident is for him to be able to rely on his body again to do what it needs to do. How do we get strong? We struggle.
When I take tasks away from my husband because he’s not doing them to my satisfaction, he loses the confidence to do it himself. My mom and dad are a classic example of this. My mom gets so mad because my dad won’t put dishes in the dishwasher. The fact is, when dad does put dishes in the dishwasher, my mom impatiently removes them and reorganize them the way she wants… the “right” way. My dad doesn’t have the confidence that he can do it the way mom wants because instead of appreciating his actions, she sees his actions as negligent… as incompetence. Men are more sensitive in this way than they let on… and if you are impatient with the result rather than encouraging of the action, you’ll find yourself doing a lot of things yourself and wondering why he won’t just do it himself.
I’ve really enjoyed spending a lot of one on one time with my husband’s grandparents the last couple of days and I enjoy taking care of them. Sometimes caring for someone means doing things so they don’t have to, but sometimes taking care of someone is teaching and encouraging the tools within them so they can take care of themselves. There are no guarantees in life that I will always be here to take care of my husband and if I leave him without the tools I have gained to care for himself and a family; I have done him a serious disservice. I have enabled him into helplessness.
Patience isn’t so much about waiting, but about being gracious while waiting. Flowers, like people, only flourish when they are ready. If we are impatient, we will never get to see them bloom.
Patience: My “Short Fuse” Problem
Love is Patient… and Marriage is a marathon. Patience, like Marriage, is a matter of Strength and Endurance. Over time small hurts become more pertinent. They start to feel like big hurts because each indiscretion is “the straw”. You know which straw I’m talking about: it’s the one that broke the camels back. Remember the days when a badly phrased sentence or a forgotten date wasn’t that big of a deal? Remember when love was blind? After a few years, when the bloom is off the rose, these small indiscretions feel a lot less like water rolling off a duck’s back and a lot more like a stab right to the heart. Each hurt rekindles the all the hurts behind it and rather than moving on, we explode! Our ability to endure thoughtless words and actions is shot and they start to feel more deliberate than accidental. We make a big issue over something that used to be a small issue, or no issue at all, and I’ll tell you what: husband… is confused. He’s not being intentionally thick: he just doesn’t keep the subconscious mental tally running in your head and he doesn’t understand what he could have possibly done that was so wrong to invoke such an extreme reaction. So, husband gets FRUSTRATED. He wants to explain himself (and explain why he didn’t do anything wrong) which, at least in my house, makes everything worse. My patience to hear him out is gone. My patience to think rationally is gone. And our day is ruined.
So, how do we stop the cycle? Patience.
Take some time to cool off and think about what actually happened. Was it really as bad as you think it was? Did he truly mean to intentionally hurt you? Do you really know why you’re mad or being impatient? Are you mad about something that doesn’t have anything to do with him but you’re taking it out on him because he’s just an easy target? If you had to wait a few hours, a day, or a week before discussing this issue would you still be upset about it?
What if it’s something you just argued about yesterday? Patience. Change takes time! I know patience is important to our marriage and I desire good for myself, my husband & our marriage but that doesn’t mean I’m not still impatient at times. How often do we make a resolution only to slip up the next day? We don’t do it on purpose, it’s just a habit. Pray for your husband and ask God to help him be the best person he can be, but don’t expect it to happen overnight. Good things come to those who wait and even though he may not be perfect in one particular area, I bet he’s been trying to do better in marriage in general. Maybe he’s still struggling to be more romantic the in the way you expected, but you may notice he’s washed the dishes all week without being asked. If you overlook the small changes he IS making because it’s not exactly what you asked for, he will probably get discouraged and give up completely.
What’s a preemptive step I can take to ensure patience in times ahead? Practice being in the moment. You can’t control everything and he can’t either. Life isn’t perfect. Accept new obstacles with grace. He will have a bad day at work and forget an important event. He will run into traffic and you’ll have to cancel a reservation. He will also love you forever if you have the patience to see that he didn’t do it on purpose and simply change your plans rather than calling him inconsiderate and letting it ruin your night. When I think back on our relationship I can recall that some of our best dates happened because our original plans got ruined.
What happens if I’m already primed to blow? Regroup. It’s not too late to politely excuse yourself from an argument. Notice I say “politely”. Don’t just storm off and leave your husband in the dust. Tell him you need to get a handle on it, maybe you’re blowing it out of proportion. Ask him to put a pin it the argument and come back to it after you’ve had enough time to clear your head and have a level-headed conversation rather than a fight.
What about past hurts? We’ve fought about them and they keep coming up. If prior indiscretions are screwing with your judgement you need to let them go. Old hurts are a matter of forgiveness. You will continue to blow up over small things until you forgive your husband for things that happened in the past. Old hurts should never be discussed or have a factor in new arguments. You wouldn’t want him dredging up everything you’ve ever done to hurt his feelings and neither do you. If you discussed them; they’re over. If you chose not to discuss them; they’re still over. Forgive the past and get back to living in the present.
Overall, practice makes perfect. Remember: Marriage is a marathon; and while you’re trying to be more patient with him, don’t forget to be patient with yourself.
Extending Grace 