Taking My Own Advice

It’s really easy to get so wrapped up in a problem that you just can’t make heads or tails of it objectively. Something I’ve started trying to do in the last year when I have a problem I can’t work out is to pretend that it’s not my problem. I think about the problem as though it’s coming from someone else who is asking me for my advice… and suddenly it seems like I know exactly what to do. Sometimes a shift in perspective is all it really takes.

About a month ago, I had a friend call and ask me to meet her for dinner. I could tell she was in distress, but didn’t know until I arrived that she called off her engagement and broke up with her fiance not three months before her wedding. Of course you ask, “What happened?!” What could that monster have possibly done to my friend to make her call off her wedding? What unforgivable deed must he have committed?

As she started to list his indiscretions one by one I couldn’t help but think…”So what? My husband and I have had that same argument times infinity and it was never worth ending our relationship over.” What my friend was explaining to me was normal, long-term relationship stuff. It’s the same stuff every new couple goes through if they are together long enough. It’s “he isn’t as romantic as he used to be”, “he makes me come to him to talk things out instead of coming to me”, “we bicker”, “he doesn’t put his clothes in the hamper”. It happens to every relationship… we say it never will… but it always does. They’re growing pains.

I tried to be optimistic with my friend and let her know that she’s not alone, but also tried to withhold judgement. Although what she told me seems about on par to me, I’m not in her relationship, and she’s the only person who can truly decide if it’s worth moving forward with this man. But using her situation as a mirror to my own I quickly began to feel extremely…

….Petty. I’ll admit sometimes I’m downright rude over silly little human things. But I’m also grateful! I’m so loved and even though he’s not perfect, my husband really does just want to make me happy.

Things aren’t always as bad as they seem when you’re in the trenches… dealing with small indiscretion after small indiscretion every day. And I didn’t realize how petty my issues with my marriage and husband sounded until they were coming out of someone else’s mouth.

My friend is now in couples counseling with her fiance and I pray the use of an unbiased mediator will be exactly the voice of reason they need to decide where the future of their relationship will go from here.

As for us, I’m thankful that God sent my friend to me, to help her in her time of distress and to help push me along my own path of enlightenment. Some days the light at the end of the tunnel looks so bright and I know the struggle and the growing pains will only make us stronger, better able to communicate, and the future so much sweeter.

Be The Change You Want to See

For awhile, I’ve been trying to take more responsibility and be more accountable for the conflict in my marriage.  Like most, I believe that I’ve done a disservice to myself and my husband by spending too much time looking past my own flaws and sin and focusing on my perfectly flawed spouse and his own contributions to marital frustration.  When I came across this excellent article today, it hit close to home.  May we all have the kindness and patience within us to extend this kind of grace to our spouses.  Starting today, I am going to dare myself to focus on the good in my husband by trying to look past what he doesn’t do and seeing what he does do for me… without asking… and without my acknowledged appreciation.

Patience: My “Short Fuse” Problem

Love is Patient… and Marriage is a marathon.  Patience, like Marriage, is a matter of Strength and Endurance.  Over time small hurts become more pertinent.  They start to feel like big hurts because each indiscretion is “the straw”.  You know which straw I’m talking about: it’s the one that broke the camels back.  Remember the days when a badly phrased sentence or a forgotten date wasn’t that big of a deal?  Remember when love was blind?  After a few years, when the bloom is off the rose, these small indiscretions feel a lot less like water rolling off a duck’s back and a lot more like a stab right to the heart.  Each hurt rekindles the all the hurts behind it and rather than moving on, we explode!  Our ability to endure thoughtless words and actions is shot and they start to feel more deliberate than accidental.  We make a big issue over something that used to be a small issue, or no issue at all, and I’ll tell you what: husband… is confused.  He’s not being intentionally thick: he just doesn’t keep the subconscious mental tally running in your head and he doesn’t understand what he could have possibly done that was so wrong to invoke such an extreme reaction.  So, husband gets FRUSTRATED.  He wants to explain himself (and explain why he didn’t do anything wrong) which, at least in my house, makes everything worse.  My patience to hear him out is gone.  My patience to think rationally is gone.  And our day is ruined.

So, how do we stop the cycle? Patience.

Take some time to cool off and think about what actually happened.  Was it really as bad as you think it was?  Did he truly mean to intentionally hurt you?  Do you really know why you’re mad or being impatient?  Are you mad about something that doesn’t have anything to do with him but you’re taking it out on him because he’s just an easy target? If you had to wait a few hours, a day, or a week before discussing this issue would you still be upset about it?

What if it’s something you just argued about yesterday?  Patience.  Change takes time!  I know patience is important to our marriage and I desire good for myself, my husband & our marriage but that doesn’t mean I’m not still impatient at times.  How often do we make a resolution only to slip up the next day?  We don’t do it on purpose, it’s just a habit.  Pray for your husband and ask God to help him be the best person he can be, but don’t expect it to happen overnight.  Good things come to those who wait and even though he may not be perfect in one particular area, I bet he’s been trying to do better in marriage in general.  Maybe he’s still struggling to be more romantic the in the way you expected, but you may notice he’s washed the dishes all week without being asked.  If you overlook the small changes he IS making because it’s not exactly what you asked for, he will probably get discouraged and give up completely.

What’s a preemptive step I can take to ensure patience in times ahead?  Practice being in the moment.  You can’t control everything and he can’t either.  Life isn’t perfect.  Accept new obstacles with grace.  He will have a bad day at work and forget an important event.  He will run into traffic and you’ll have to cancel a reservation.  He will also love you forever if you have the patience to see that he didn’t do it on purpose and simply change your plans rather than calling him inconsiderate and letting it ruin your night.  When I think back on our relationship I can recall that some of our best dates happened because our original plans got ruined.

What happens if I’m already primed to blow?  Regroup.  It’s not too late to politely excuse yourself from an argument.  Notice I say “politely”.  Don’t just storm off and leave your husband in the dust.  Tell him you need to get a handle on it, maybe you’re blowing it out of proportion.  Ask him to put a pin it the argument and come back to it after you’ve had enough time to clear your head and have a level-headed conversation rather than a fight.

What about past hurts?  We’ve fought about them and they keep coming up.  If prior indiscretions are screwing with your judgement you need to let them go.  Old hurts are a matter of forgiveness.  You will continue to blow up over small things until you forgive your husband for things that happened in the past.  Old hurts should never be discussed or have a factor in new arguments.  You wouldn’t want him dredging up everything you’ve ever done to hurt his feelings and neither do you.  If you discussed them; they’re over.  If you chose not to discuss them; they’re still over.  Forgive the past and get back to living in the present.

Overall, practice makes perfect.  Remember: Marriage is a marathon; and while you’re trying to be more patient with him, don’t forget to be patient with yourself.